His satisfying purple face beamed at me as a child from the hallowed walls of my local McDonalds. He made the milkshake taste sweeter and the fries more salty. I remember him frolocking daintily amongst hamburger trees and french fry fields, his chubby purple belly urging me to make unholy but delicious concoctions like fries and nuggets dipped in strawberry milkshake.

But now he’s dead, it seems his purpleness was down to very high blood pressure. After a particularly harsh evening at home with his late wife (hamburgler in a wig) he thought he’d indulge in his usually feast of a gallon of milkshake, 58 chicken nuggets, 7 Big Macs, 4 Quarter Pounders and a oil drum full of freshly picked french fries. 

Whilst trying to watch the latest episode of Lost he felt something pop in his lower abdomen. After writhing for several minutes in utter agony and being instantly sick he fell to the ground and died in a mushy puddle of fries and strawberry milkshake (the irony!)

McDonalds deny all this of course and the mural depicting his gruesome death was never seen outside of close friends and employees. They have now concocted a story that he’s still alive but is just thinner but this guy’s just an imposter.

Gone is my hero, my childhood guardian. So join me in remembering this gentle giant of fast food - The Grimace